Monday, August 13, 2012

Duke Nukem Forever Balls of Fail

Yeah, this sums the game up.

Duke Nukem Forever

Duke Nukem Forever. I want 12 hours of my life back. Sadly, that’s just impossible. I’ve played it. Put up with it. Completed it. Subjected my eyes and ears to its monstrosity. And now I can’t unplay it. I am so glad I borrowed this game from an unfortunate friend who bought this game when it came out rather than buy it myself. This is a game that all except a few diehard fans who live and die the Nukem way  should avoid. So how can Duke Nukem Forever be so bad, especially compared to its beloved predecessors? I’ll tell you!!!

Power Armor is for ****

First, Duke Nukem Forever is a game full of jokes and crude humor no matter what you’re doing and what’s going on. Some are fine and all, but most just prove that this game knows what a colossal failure it is. After 12 years of development it’s not hard to imagine why. While playing Duke Nukem Forever players will have to suffer through stabs at much better and superior games in every way. If “Power armor is for ****” ala, a crack at Halo, why then is the Ego in Duke Nukem Forever basically regenerating health? If Duke hates Valve puzzles so much, why then does it even do it? Duke would never put up with a puzzle. Never. He’d sooner shove a grenade in the pipe and blow it through the roof rather than put up with a puzzle.

Duke Nukem Forever Trailer Youtube by IGN (Trailer rated M for Mature)


Duke Nukem Forever Visuals

Here are a few more problems with Duke Nukem. You, the player, who deserves an outstanding game for your hard earned money, will have to put up with constant frame rate issues. Wherever you look and whatever you do there will almost seem to be this kind of slight lag, as if the game just can’t keep up with what you’re doing. It’s like a lagging mouse, you move from one side of the screen to the other and for whatever reason, it takes half a second longer for the mouse to get to where it should be. On top of that the load Screen in Duke Nukem Forever may put you to sleep. If you’ve read my Fable 3 review, you know how I feel about long, unnecessary loading screens. Duke Nukem Forever might not be quite as bad as Fable 3, but don’t be surprised if you check the time to see how much of you’re life you’re wasting away.  The textures will pop in and out all over the place, often times even after the unnecessarily long loading screen.


Duke Nukem Forever Weapons and Games

And why does Duke Nukem Forever limit the amount of weapons players can use to 2? If power armor is for **** then what is restricting players to two weapons? And with so many cracks at Halo, among many others, why is it that Duke seems to emulate them all so much in such a substandard, embarrassing way? It’s a pathetic attempt to do what other games have done but try to seem like it has its own unique twists simply because Duke cracks a few jokes about it. The weapons in Duke Nukem have absolutely no kick. So besides the shotgun, which is the only exception I can think of, you’ll be shooting aliens and wondering if it’s actually having any affect. And I won’t even touch on the gun turret sections or the horrible cars sequences other than they’ll make you double check the cover because you’ll think there’s no possible way you’re playing a Duke Nukem game. The games are just stupid. From controlling remote control cars to playing pinball, pool, air hockey, basketball, etc, you’ll think you’re playing an awful adaptation of the previous game. The thing is, those mini games were fun for the time, you pull that crap on customers in 2011 and you’re in for a tough time. Half the games don’t even work that well. I spent more time trying to get through the stupid air hockey or basketball game than I did for some of the actual levels. This game is so full of crap you literally throw crap around like an ape. Nice. Always wanted to do that.... Oh wait, I'm not a feces chucking  freaking monkey! Just a gamermonkey.

Duke Nukem Forever Gameplay Youtube by delux 345


 Duke Nukem Forever All Those Curves

The bosses in Duke Nukem Forever are a joke. You don’t even have to think about it. You hit em where it hurts with a big gun that looks and feels like you’re playing airsoft, find some more ammo, hit em again, and repeat until the boss drops dead. And finally, as I’m sure some of you know if you’ve read my Lollipop Chainsaw review, I may be a guy, but I feel there is a limit to how much a game should objectify women. If Lollipop Chainsaw wasn’t a game I’d recommend for the ladies then Duke Nukem Forever is one of the last games I think they should play. All the women are bubbly, filuptious airheads who are, for lack of a better word, trashy. And I know, I know, most people playing this game are the kind of people who don’t care about that, and perhaps feel a certain way about the opposite sex; so this game is perfect for people like that; the rest of us with a soul and respect for the ladies in our lives will find the constant barrage of misogynistic jokes and references to be one, disrespectful, and two, downright tedious after the 5th, I mean 7th, I mean 23rd, well, about half the jokes in this game are like that, and boring.

Duke Nukem Forever Final Verdict

Duke Nukem Forever is a bad game. Period. Only fans of the last game would care for it and they are also the only people who could possibly tolerate such a copy and paste of the previous game. Duke Nukem Forever gets a balls of steel score of 3 out of 10.

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